After years of close friendship, a friend of mine mustered up the strength to have a deeply vulnerable moment with me and share something he had to hide from almost everyone in his life. His situation affected every facet of his life and kept him in constant apprehension. For the entire duration of our friendship, I had no idea. In fact, he told me that I even randomly brought up the situation one time in a conversation. He had to lie about it to keep himself safe. As I started reflecting on our friendship, I began to envision how many different ways my friend has had to struggle because of his circumstances. Then, I started to wonder how many other friends I may have who struggle with their own private secrets.
In every family, friend group, and church, there are silent sufferers. They have their reasons for choosing not to disclose their struggles or situations. Their well-being may be placed in genuine danger, they may need more time to grow in trust, or they may simply be embarrassed. Silent sufferers are all around us, and we may be none the wiser. I am writing this blog in the hopes of making us wiser. Our words and actions have the potential to unwittingly pour salt on the wounds of silent sufferers among us.
There is probably someone in your social circle who is single and is tired of hearing questions and jokes about their relationship status. You might know someone who has graduated and applied to dozens of places that is discouraged when asked about their employment. Odds are, you are friends with someone who is depressed and can’t explain why they’ve been inconsistent and unavailable. You may be friends with someone who struggles with same sex attraction and feels like they can never confess because of the jokes and comments that are made. You may be around someone who lives in the U.S. without proper documentation and is scared of questions about their citizenship, employment, and future plans. And you likely know a couple who has been trying to have children for years and is discouraged by incessant questions about kids.
What can we do? For starters, try not to ask the same questions too often. Sometimes we sincerely believe we have to push someone a bit because they’re unreasonably afraid or not trying. But we never know if we’re pushing someone who has been up against a wall and is suffocating from our questions and comments. We should also be quick to apologize if we detect discomfort. And just generally, we must guard our tongues. Be careful about joking, using sarcasm, or saying something flippantly. We never know who is wincing internally.
Most importantly, let the gospel be the common denominator in all your conversations and gatherings. Even if you inevitably slip up at some point and make someone uncomfortable, they’ll know they can trust you and potentially open up when the time is right because they see you hold the gospel high above everything else. They’ll know that you can understand and sympathize with them because you believe Christ has sympathized with you despite your darkest secrets. In striving to this end, let us embody Colossians 3:12-13, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”
Christie Benavides says: Very thought provoking and wise counsel in both posts.
Luba says: Well said! Wise and practical tips! Thank you!
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